Sen. Dan Patrick
Texas State Senate

Dear Sen. Patrick,

Kudos to you for introducing SB 1567, the Texas Baby Purchasing Act of 2007. Undoubtedly, it will save the lives of many blastocyst-Americans.

But what about their tiny spermatazoan-American brothers? Your bill does nothing to protect them. Indeed, it completely ignores the tubesock holocaust. I hope you'll consider amending SB 1567 to address this terrible oversight.

It's a lot easier to protect spermatazoan-Americans than you might think. All you need is a few collection points around the state, a number of modified milking machines, a good supply of mason jars, ink that fluoresces under UV lighting, a few Perry Como albums, a stipend for the donors, and a lot of cellar space.

Here's how I see it working. You offer every man in the state a stipend, say $15 dollars a visit, to drop by their local legislator's office every couple of days to liberate their little spermatazoan-American citizens. To prevent cheating, we apply a UV fluorescent ink to their hands when they visit and then examine their little soldiers under a black light at their next visit. This will allow them to have normal relations with their wives while alerting us to any inappropriate touching on their part.

I know what you're thinking. It won't work on Democrats, because they like to put their little soldiers in ladies mouths -- often while they're trying to kiss that mythical sailor in the boat the femislamunistofscists are always so excited about -- but I think that's something we can work on for the next legislative session.

I'd like to go into this with you in more detail and show you my modified milking machine prototype. It's great. I call it Sheila. I haven't left the trailer since I built it.

Please have your legislative assistant give me call to set up an appointment.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Republicans vacating the Capitol are dumping a big spring cleaning job on Democrats moving in. GOP leaders have opted to leave behind almost a half-trillion-dollar clutter of unfinished spending bills.

There's also no guarantee that Republicans will pass a multibillion-dollar measure to prevent a cut in fees to doctors treating Medicare patients.

The bulging workload that a Republican-led Congress was supposed to complete this year but is instead punting to 2007 promises to consume time and energy that Democrats had hoped to devote to their own agenda upon taking control of Congress in January for the first time in a dozen years.

In one course, an advanced trauma treatment program he had taken before deploying, he said, the instructors gave each corpsman an anesthetized pig.

“The idea is to work with live tissue,” he said. “You get a pig and you keep it alive. And every time I did something to help him, they would wound him again. So you see what shock does, and what happens when more wounds are received by a wounded creature.”

“My pig?” he said. “They shot him twice in the face with a 9-millimeter pistol, and then six times with an AK-47 and then twice with a 12-gauge shotgun. And then he was set on fire.”

“I kept him alive for 15 hours,” he said. “That was my pig.”

“That was my pig,” he said.

Speaking in an interview with Fox News, Mr Cheney said that insurgents were using the internet to time their attacks, although he did not provide any evidence to that effect.

"There isn't anything that's on the internet that's not accessible to them. They're on it all the time. They're very sophisticated users of it," Mr Cheney said.

WASHINGTON (AP) -- President Bush signed a bill Thursday authorizing 700 miles of new fencing along the U.S.-Mexico border, hoping to give Republican candidates a pre-election platform for asserting they're tough on illegal immigration.

''Unfortunately the United States has not been in complete control of its borders for decades and therefore illegal immigration has been on the rise,'' Bush said at a signing ceremony.

''We have a responsibility to enforce our laws,'' he said. ''We have a responsibility to secure our borders. We take this responsibility serious.''

He called the fence bill ''an important step in our nation's efforts to secure our borders.''

TWO, COUNT THEM, PENE
posted 7:44 PM

This case of diphallus reminds me of that tiny but grimly inexplicable web-genre of DIY willy-whittling that Warren Ellis makes a point of keeping us all abreast of. How poignant, that the gentleman so gifted prefers instead to surgically opt for mono-dicked orthodoxy -- considering the apparent number, however small, of Xacto-wielding body-mod hobbyists out there, bent on home bifurcation.